My reality....

Picked up the phone today at work, here's how it went down:

Caller: How much does a half a sub cost

Me: What kind of sub?

Caller: Your cheapest kind

Me: Well that's our hot veggie, it's $3.29

Caller: Do you have any that are $3.99

Me: Yeah we have a bunch of those

Caller: Ok, thanks



This is the kind of stupid things I have to deal with on a daily basis. Stupid people!!!!

Yes...

It's official, I'm going to see Jesse Jane on friday. The deal has been sealed and I will be seeing her, or at least trying to. She'll be signing the DVD and a poster. I asked Jennifer if I could put the poster up at the new house. She wasn't really into that. But I told her it would be in my office and that's my area. She still said no. It's not like I wanted to put it in the bedroom, although that would be hot. Here's another picture of her to give you an idea of who she is.

Porn!!!

OMG my favorite porn star Jesse Jane is coming to town for an autograph session. The thing is I've never seen any of her work. Really I haven't. So how is she my favorite porn star then, well I fell in love with her while she was starring in Family Business, a reality show on Showtime or as I like to call it, Blow-time. She just has such a stunning look to her, that if I saw her do her "work" I would either explode or be bummed out, since there would be no mystery left to her. I mean if I ever did see her movies then there would only be one mystery left, would she take it up the butt, but I'll never know since I haven't seen any of her movies.

Here she is:



















OMG look how exotic she is, she is just incredible!!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I've seen porn, just nothing with her in it. The movie she is doing a tour for is Pirates. I'm wondering if she is some sort of ass pirate and I can plunder her booty!!!!

It's friday night, so I might go, but I don't want to be that guy getting an autograph from a porn star. Ahhhh who knows, it would be nice to see her in person, but not all of her!! Wait, this movie costs $60!!!! Maybe I won't go, $60 for a porno movie, you have to be kidding!!!!

Bad T-Shirt, worse memory

Customer came into the yesterday with an old 4 Horseman T-shirt. For those of you that don't know, this was a wrestling t-shirt and it was 4 guys in a group that were bad ass. The problem was that the t-shirt that this kid had on featured Steve McMichael, perhaps the worst horseman of all time.

Sorry if this makes no sense to you, but trust me, in my world, it's funny.

Out in time....

Wheewwwww......they got all of the Katrina refugees out of the state fair grounds just in time. Cause if it wouldn't of been done sooner they would of had a problem. See the home and garden show is going on this weekend at the fair grounds and I think that would of been kind of tacky. Hey your house just got blown away, but when you get it back, why not add this nice water feature or how about these new kitchen countertops. I suppose it would of cut out the middle man out since they could just pick things out in advance. I still think it would of been tacky to have the refugees around while everyone else was looking to improve there house, while the refugees just want a house.

Maybe

Might of found a new house. It's really nice and has a nice spread out. It has a nice big back yard for the dogs and the crazy thing is that it has surround sound throughout the house. Might put a bid in on it monday, maybe.

This week has been kind of crazy and that's a good thing. A corporate person is going to be stopping by the store this wednesday. Basically it's code for her coming down and visiting family, oh and she'll write it off on her taxes.

The new realtor that we have is a pretty strong christian guy, so I hope he obeys the bible and is honest with us and such. He keeps on mentioning that we should look for a house that is close to a neighborhood that we do our business and church stuff in. He mentioned living close to our church 3 times, plus mentioned his christian beliefs 4 times. Oh I can't wait till he finds out that me and Jennifer aren't married. He mentioned my "wife" a couple of times. He will either deal with it or explode.

Violate me

Well I was going to write some blah-idt blah blah blah, but that all changed today when I went to go get into my car today and wouldn't you know it, someone broke into my car and cleaned it out. The good news is that a) they really didn't get anything good and b) they didn't break anything to get in. I feel kind of bad for the idiots that broke in and what they got away with:

1) Box with my Ray the Menards Guy bobble head (I can just imagine the look on there face when they opened that box)
2) Tool kit, which was missing half the tools anyways and was breaking down (Poor guys get something they can't pawn either)
3) Trailer Hitch, they forgot to take the balls for it, oooops.
4) 2 Cell Phone Chargers- 1 of them didn't work
5) Backpack-had nothing in it but a 4 year old cell phone and a Mallrats DVD. I guess I will miss the phone since it had all my phone numbers in it, but I will survive. Also I was going to get the new Mallrats 10 year anniversery DVD so no big loss.

Poor guys get nothing to important and were risking getting arrested for pure crap. I was bummed out that they didn't take my dog wrapping paper though, it's so cute.

Day Off

Was going to take a day off yesterday for Jennifer's birthday, well needless to say, that didn't happen since around 10am someone called the store asking us if we could feed 120 people in 2 hours.....ahhhh planning, don't you love it? So me and jennifer hauled into the store, only for an hour we were told. Well that's how it normally would of been on a normal monday, except yesterday we got our ass handed to us cause we were so damn busy, plus throw in the catering stuff and it sucked ass. The crazy things you will do for money. Between leaving the house and getting back, we were gone for 6 hours.

So needless to say the day was ruined for Jennifer, but we did go out to her favorite place for dinner. She was happy about that though.

The tendionitis is back in my foot and I can barely move and it sucks ass. I wish the pain would go away!!!!

Why is it?

Besides the government, Walmart is the largest employer in the country. But whenever you go to Walmart, you can never find someone to help you.

Got Jennifer some new silent air filters from the Sharper Image. She thinks they cost me like a million dollar. Little does she know that I got her the cheap model and that the first one was $50 off and the second one was 50% off. She's happy though.

Queen of the Galaxy...

Was scanning the tivo and I noticed that one of my all time favorite TV shows was on, "Emanuelle in Space"

Basically it's a soft core porno series and you get to see Krista Allen naked. Ok, so that's the real good part, but my favorite part is the corny-ness of it. The plot is that "Emmanuelle" played by Krista has been chosen by aliens to show they what love is and blah blah blah. Well the aliens are to sharp at first and they make asses of them self by trying to get it on with anything that moves. Well that's where Emmanuelle comes in, she shows them how to seduce and have feelings for people.

This is one of those special porns that women can get into too since it's so damn corny. Jennifer use to love the show. Somewhere we have them all on tape. But since I don't have a VCR anymore, that doesn't do my any good.

They played like the first 3 episodes tonight and I've got it set on the season pass for the TIVO. It's on Skin-A-Max all this month.

Here's Krista
















You might recognize Krista from Liar Liar, she was the girl that slapped Jim Carey in the elevator. Also she played Billie for a while on Days of Our Lives. But she will always be the Queen of the Galaxy.....(that's how she is described in the theme song of the show)

Hiring

I'm looking to hire a delivery driver to drive around my new truck that should be here soon, so here's how a recent interview went.

Me: So I'm looking to hire a delivery driver, is this something you would be interested in?

Other person: Yeah

Me: So do you have a valid drivers licence

Other: Yeah

Me: Do you have anything on your driving record that I should know about?

Other: No, I have a clean record



So I think she might fit in and would work out so I call her back for another interview


Me: So you would be ok with this delivery job?

Other: Yeah, I can do it



Well at this point I decide I'm going to do a back ground check on her just to make sure since she's going to be playing with my new 35k toy. So I call up a back ground check place and they tell me that I need her birthday and her drivers licence number.

So I call her back up to get the info. She gives me her DOB, but doesn't have her licence on her at the moment and will call back in a bit.

4 hours plass and I call her back to get it, at this point she tells me that she has a suspended licence and was wondering if she could still get the job. I told her probably not.

Why not just tell me at the first or second interview that you have a suspended licence and can't do this job. Fucking idiot wasting my time!!!!!

Porn Bomb

There's a new kind of bomb that is taking over the world, it's the porn bomb. Like like most people you are saying WTF is a 'Porn Bomb'? Well let me explain.....

So for my birthday the smoke shop from next door gave me some porno mags. They weren't your normal porno mags, they were really graphic and I honestly think I saw some girl's kidneys. BTW yes I did tell Jennifer about the mags. Why??? Well what's worse, them giving them to me or me having these magazines hidden in the house.

Back to the bomb.....

One of my employees was borrowing her niece's car this weekend, while the niece was out of town. So the car's battery died and I went over to try and jump it. Well that didn't work, but since I was there and I know this niece, I thought I would leave her a little surprise. Now please understand the employees niece is a sexual freak..... So I popped her trunk, grabbed one of my pornos and opened it spread out showing some freaky naked ass woman, shut the trunk and went on my way.

Well the next day the niece went to open her trunk at work and was shocked to see what was inside. She then went and called her husband and yelled at him wanting to know what he was going with the porn. He denied it left and right. So she then called her aunt (my employee) and asked her if she knew anything about it. She denied it left and right and then thought it might of been one of my employees kids porn. At that point she admited that it was me. I laid the first 'Porn Bomb'

Striking once just wasn't good enough for me. So when I showed up for work today the produce guy was there and he was already inside the store. Well sure enough, it was time for another porn bomb. I grabbed a porn out of my car, spread it out to some fat naked chick, put it on his front seat and just went into the store. The produce guy left the store and we didn't hear anything from him, so me and the employees peaked outside and sure enough he was paging through it in his truck.

Giving the produce guy a bomb wasn't enough, so we decided we would give them to the cleaning supply guy that comes every wednesday. So I distraced him for a while and one of the employees went and set the porn bomb in his truck. Sure enough, he went back out to his truck and was shocked. He came back and said thanks for the porno and was red as an apple he was so embarassed.

Well since we bombed the produce and cleaning guys today, we figured we would bomb the food delivery guy since he also delivers today. By now u know the routine, we drop the porn bomb on his driving seat. He got back into his semi cab, was shocked, looked around to see if anyone was watching him, looked around some more, got in his truck and went on his way.

Ahhhh......the porn bomb has gone off. Not sure when it will go off again since I'm out of nasty ass porn, but will ask the smoke shop for some more so the bomb can go off again.

Why

Went through A&W drive thru and got a root beer float, along with some cheese curds. Some how through the technology that is the drive thru, I didn't get my root beer float. I got a diet root beer float. Who in there right mind would order this piece of crap. It's not like they are giving u diet ice cream with it. They were probably laughing at me for ordering that piece of crap.

The dogs finally came home last night. They had been on vacation for a couple of weeks, partially cause we were on vacation and also cause we were selling the house. It's good to have them back home. At the place where they were staying at, the person always left the patio door open. So last night, forgetting that we shut our patio door, one of the dogs ran face first right into the glass and it really stunned her. Needless to say she will remember that we shut the door.

The final hurdle for selling the house will be getting a liberal appraisal. See the thing is, this woman that is buying our house is going to max herself out on the mortgage and if the appraisal doesn't come in real close, then she might not be able to get the loan or get the house.

Shit or get off the pot

Well it took only 1 business day and we got an offer on the house. Sure enough, we excepted it, well we are going to later in the day, hoping that we might get another offer or two and get the best price. So now we are on looking for a new house. JOY!!!!!

Please Buy

Our house had been on the market only a couple hours before people were already calling to look at it. Nice!!!!

Please feel free to buy it. Here's the link to it. Buy away!!!!

Real Estate

Well today is the first day of selling the house. The realtor is coming over to give us the lowdown about why we should go with her and blah blah blah. All I know is that I want to move fast. Granted the longer we wait around here in this house, the faster it will go up!!! But sooner or later it's going to hit the ceiling and we will be screwed then. I've actually lit a fire under Jennifer's ass in regards to selling the house. We've been thinking about it for about a year, but finally she is in agreement to sell it. How did I do it, well I told her the dogs can't come home until the house is on the market. I think we can keep them away for another week so we can sell the house real fast

Vacation Stories

Hmmmm where to start....well it started with the plane trip. I have a window seat and this woman, who at the time was sitting next to me, asks me if I would switch seats with her husband who has a middle seat. I nicely told her, "You're killing me" and told her no. She then realized she wasn't even sitting next to me and moved to her correct seat.

When I arrived in Milwaukee my folks were about 30 minutes late to pick me up. I suppose that's better then the time I was in Europe for a summer and they completely forgot that I was coming home and didn't pick me up at the airport.

Got to drive home that night since my old man was tired. I displayed my great driving skills to my mom and told her I like to drive like Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit. She wasn't really thrilled with my skills, but I went on to remind her that it had been 11 years since I got a ticket, so that always shuts her up!!!

Went to the wedding and of course they need to hold it in there home town church. Problem is that the church is 100+ years old and has no A/C and they don't want to turn the fans on so everyone can hear them. Fine, we can hear them, we just can't survive the heat!!!! People always wonder why church attendence is down, I know why. It's cause we are all spoiled people and need A/C and churches don't have A/C.

The reception was fine, no fights or anything like that.

Jennifer's sister is trying to kill her father I think though. Please understand this, some members of her family are red necks and aren't really to liberal with there ideas. So here's why I think she is trying to kill her father. Well she's 42 years old and forever she has been lesbian. Well she probably was once she left the house hold after school. Well the fact that his daughter was lesbian for 20+ years didn't do the old man in, so she needed to change her strategy a little bit. How did she do that, well she's no longer lesbian anymore. Now she's dating a black guy. I'm ok with that, but knowing her father, he has to be going crazy. Well he is still alive, but I think this took a couple years off his life. Can't wait to see what she will do next. I think if she married him, that might push him over the edge. Walking his daughter down the aisle, might just do it.

Hit all the good eateries while in town:
Culvers (Custard)
Taco Johns
Steve's Pizza Ass Blast
Golder Gyro (Best fucking Gyro in the country. 75th and Lincoln in West Allis)

Speaking of Steve's, they were so swamped. It would take them an hour to bus tables. One family didn't even get any service for 45 minutes. They were so short staffed. Heaven forbid that anyone would shift over and help them, nope they drown and people walked out. Ooooops

Vacation

Just got back from Wisconsin and Iowa. Will update later, but I just want to say that I stopped in Platteville on sunday and got some Steve's. But I'll be honest, the main reason I stopped by was to track down Gretchan and offer her a job at the new place I am thinking about developing, a pretzel kind of place thing. So I figured I would stop at the Hedge, but it wasn't open, so she lost her big chance for this job. More stories later

Relax

Hey everybody in New Orleans, relax!!!! Don't go out looting, don't bitch, don't complain. Shit is getting done as fast as possible and they are trying to get everyone helped out. To bitch and moan that you aren't getting things taken care of is crazy. It's not as if the government is sitting there and trying to make you go crazy. They just don't have the supplies that you need sitting in a warehouse right outside of New Orleans, cause if they did, guess what, it would be fucked too. I'm sure the people can't understand why the supplies aren't arriving the next day. Ahhh well cause the fucking town is underwater and semi's carrying supplies don't work to well in a couple feet of water.

Now there's another group of people to tell to relax. It's the people who bitch about gas prices. No one is really sitting around and enjoying it, but it really does no good to bitch. The thing is, there's alot of refinerys in the gulf coast area and since that part of the country is all screwed up right now it doesn't matter how much oil you have, if you can't convert it to gas, then you're fucked. Plus to all the people who bitch cause they think that gas stations are gouging you, ahhhh trust me, there probably are a few stations that are, but most of them aren't. Why aren't they gouging you, cause they know if they do, people will remember them and never go back. Plus most are corporate stores and they get the call from the front office and they are the ones telling them to jack the price. Why jack the price, cause the supply of gas is shrinking, cause the refinerys are fucked up and holy shit it's labor day weekend when people go out of town and use gas. See it's a supply and demand thing, supply low, demand high.....prices go up!!!!!

So instead of bitching about things, I'm going to bitch about the people that bitch. So quit bitching and I'll quit bitching.